maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize