she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
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