I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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