did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
