I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
