I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
