matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
