I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
