remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize