Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
