You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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