I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
