I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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