ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize