life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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