i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
