My Higher Power is John Stamos
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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