why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
