he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
should my penis look like a turkey
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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