What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
