I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
