beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
