My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
