I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
