just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Randomize
