The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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