If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize