I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
