I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
