my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
