When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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