you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
