I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
