a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
