i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
is that a dick in a sweater?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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