i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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