Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just pee around me
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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