rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
