Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
