you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
