just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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