My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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