my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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