Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
