I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
