i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
