listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
