Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
