but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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