Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
