He uses pillows to masturbate.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
