i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
