sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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