woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
