If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
