Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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